In my opinion this first thing is less important, but I’ve no structural idea where my blog is going. I’ve no exact theme or direction I want my blog to go into. I just write what makes me happy or where I feel good about, that’s basically the general idea.
The second thing I want to talk about is a more personal subject: my anxieties. It’s a thing I’ve talked about briefly in other posts, but the last 3 days it has taken a turn for the worst. I don’t know what the function of this blogpost is or will be or how it will be percepted. The only thing I know is that I just want to let it out and perhaps talk with some of you guys about it.
I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Acute Anxiety Disorder (AAD). It has been given a lable a short while ago and I don’t know how I exactly feel about it. I’m happy that after several years of exploring and not-knowing, I now know what it’s that keeps me from events or makes me want to stay in bed for days and let time pass. On the other hand, this makes me extremely uncomfortable and it’s all new to me, so I don’t know what to.
I’ve read quite a lot about it on blogs and it gave me some reassurance that there are more people like me. At the same time, I hope that I can talk to those people about it in a later phase. But all in good time I guess.
But the last few days this changed completely and perhaps this is one of the most anxious feelings I’ve ever experienced the last months.
There had been a particular ‘event’ that really throwed me back into purgatory and perhaps worse. We got a phonecall from a familymember, telling us that an aunt of mine was in coma. This is an older aunt, whom I’ve seen not too often, but I can’t say that it didn’t touch me. I know she wasn’t healing well after her cerebal infarction, but to hear that her situation was worse. Well yeah it shocked me a bit. I felt numb, as if all the world was spinning to fast and I couldn’t adjust to it. I just felt the need to get to my room, not speak to anyone and just be alone really. That night I only got flashbacks to bad memories. Of other relatives dying and funerals and I just felt worse and worse. I got into this mood that I felt negative about myself and I’m less spontaneous.
The next day at noon, we received a phonecall from family again. Terrible news, my aunt passed away. The numbness grew more and I felt panic taking over my mind and body. I was literally shaking a lot. I don’t know what it was. Was it the news of someone passing? Was it the emotional attachment to a familymember I didn’t see that often? Was it all the emotions of the aunts, uncles, grandparents passing prior to this? Or was it my anxiety taking advantage of this new? Or is this is all a combo of the above? I don’t fucking know at this point.
At this point I only know that I’m not okay. I’m not okay and I need help. It’s very hard to do anything at this point. I absolutely lack motivation, inspiration and I have work an essay writing coming up the rest of this week. On top of that I’ve to deal with the drama of a funeral on Thursday. I’ve no clue how to deal with this all and how I’m going to survive the week to come.
I don’t of this made any sense, but I hope you all are well.