These are a few of the things I have asked myself over the last 24 hours. Crawling in my bed, not able to go to sleep. Watching the Copa America with tears in my eyes about something I couldn’t comprehend.
I feel really alone and sad.
Reading other people’s blog can be a very mindopening thing. I like to read different kind of blogs and I what I personally like to see in a blog is the brutal honesty of the writer. Of course when dealing with blogs, it’s only natural the writer picks out what he or she wants the reader to know about themselves. But what I find very courageous and admirable is the fact that some bloggers also share the not so glamorous things about their lives. That in itself is a form of art to me.
Yesterday I read a personal blogpost by one my favourite bloggers and people who I do follow on twitter: Chloe from Mojichlo. You can find the blogpost here. It did really touch me, deeply. Not only her story, but also the fact that it was in a lot of way so similar to me. It made me realise a few things.
Being destructive was the post called and it was so on point, it made me actually cry. I don’t know what it was, but I think that I haven’t been true to myself for a very long time now. I’m being destructive in my relationships with phases of being extremely happy, but as soon as this is getting longer and longer, I seem to hit the selfdestruct button. I become less happy and most of all, I shut people out of my thoughts. Which is kind of weird, because I’m a very open person to talk to.
Nature is often hidden, sometimes overcome, but seldom extinguished
That is a quote I found very useful and speaks the absolute truth for me at the moment. I have been living another emotion for a long time. Neglecting my feelings with football. I’m really passionate about football and what I say about it, is absolutely genuine. But it doesn’t hide the fact in the end, that I am lonely and sad.
Also a very important thing for me is the fact that I can help people or make people laugh. Not to be cocky or anything, but those are things that people always say I do. Last night I was talking to a friend and somehow I got the idea that I upset that person, which reconfirmed the feeling that I couldn’t help people or make them smile. Which left me very sad. It kept me up all night thinking about it. Being sad. Having tears.
It was very important to me that I found out this whole ‘operation’ and I’m very grateful to Chloe for sharing her own personal story, educating me and help me find my own self. Exposing myself to me and realising I do destruct too. I’m sad, yes. But it’s hopefully a good step to work on myself.
So if you see emotional tweets and very enthusiast football tweets, you know what is going on. Bear with me friends.