I’m currently sitting at a desk. I have been staring at my screen for over 20 minutes now and I’m listening to The Street’s song Let’s Push Things Forward. I feel as unproductive as ever, yet I have done quite a few things already today. I even had a meeting in Germany in German. I’m thinking about a year back, when I was one happy soul. But now mates, I feel like I’m stuck.
Like I’ve said in my previous post, I’m sad. Like proper sad. Not like a dropped my taco and now I can’t have all the deliciousness sad. No really sad. All the time. Getting up in the morning sad, going to bad sad. I’m sad writing this and I feel like it’s getting worse with the days.
I’m sorry for everyone who came here to read about my clothingstyles, football or novel stories. They are less frequent at the moment and for that I’m sorry. I feel like I’m more a mental health blogger at the moment, but only explaining my feelings and not giving you any goals with it. It’s this fact that makes me really sad and frustrated to be honest.
Everyone has been very kind and lovely to me. From my sister, to my friends and to my internetfriends – especially Sophie. go check out her blog right here! – , you are the best! But when I’m encouraged to be more positive and are actually feeling better for the moment, the moment it’s away, the contrast is so much bigger.
I’m feeling the anxieties everyday now and I didn’t know what to do. There’s only one thing that seems to relieve it a bit and that’s writing about it. That’s why I’m writing this blogpost about my mental health again. It’s the only thing I can write about at the moment, because I can’t find the big motivation or inspiration to come up with the posts I want to. I look at my unfinished blogposts. There are 18 of them. It’s just not working at the moment.
I feel like I haven’t been true to myself and ignoring the signals of my sadness. I’ve been frustrated with not getting forward with my novel, my other book, my blog and my fitness. I’m quite stressed as it is already and yesterday I had a falling out with my father, which made me furious. I was literally shaking from angers and afterwards my anxieties kicked in as a bomb.
But the thing that excites me the most and has got me through numerous times, actually the two things are Football and Music. Not necessarily in that other, but those two things have got me through for a long time. The football has ended and will not really start for the foreseeable future. I love going to stadiums, grounds and clubs. That’s something what will make me happy, for that 90 minutes enjoying the football, taking in the culture, the languages, the passion, the desire, the accents and just plain emotions. That’s where I feel at home. I miss that.
It’s the same with music really. I love music, a good concert or festival. It’s literally life to me. The last one I went to, was with my sister. I thought it would be a good idea to go to a festival with my mates last weekend. I did have fun and did enjoy it with my friends. Here’s a photo of us goofy bunch (Full post coming later on):
Everything was fine then, but the people at the festival made me more and more anxious. Causing me to have less fun and take the anxieties take over. I didn’t enjoy it anymore, but I didn’t want to be the party pooper, so I just pretended everything was fine. In the end this was the worst thing I could do. I was sat in a corner, teary eyes and examining my glass of cola. Oh imagine that eh?
The realisation that my two greatest passions weren’t there or couldn’t make me happy, that really made me sad. Now you know a bit more about my mind and my mood I guess. I just wanted to write this down.
A few things I do look forward too though:
– Holiday with the lads in Krakow
– Getting my ordered goods from That Lame Company (by one of my favourite bloggers, Chloe)
– Football season
Thanks again friends for taking the time to read this, I hope you are all well. Remember: ‘What’s past, is prologue’.