Did you know I wrote a book?

Him again? Yes, I’m sorry. But the words just seem to flow out and I have to put them on paper or screen. I mean like you have something better to do, right? It’s Sunday and whilst debating with myself whether I should write a personal post, I had a bit of an epiphany to be honest. I was just looking around my bookshelf full of football books and there it was, my own book. So let me tell you a few things about the book I’ve written.

My 2,5 year anniversary is coming up. 2,5 years ago I published my book after a combination of my study, interest in shakespeare and FOOTBALL lead me to this awesome project. It all started with seeing a game of West Ham United & being intrigued by the crest and the meaning of it. I decided to put more research into it and one thing lead to another. I was hooked on the English Football Leagues already, but this made me addicted. I wanted to become an expert.

So what’s this book all about it then, eh? I realised I was interested in more than just the games or the players. As a historian I wanted to know more about the history, their crest, their nickname, the symbolism. So I decided to research all 92 professional football clubs in England and make a book out of it. The different elements spoken about are:

– Symbolism
– The influence of royal kings
– The influence of Shakespeare
– Regionalism and nationalism
– Derbies
– Nicknames
– History
– Documentaries, films & books

I’m planning to translate a few pages or a few elements out of my book, so I can show you all what it’s really about. If it all goes well, I may decide to translate it as a whole and publish it in English. Who knows what the future will bring!

What do you think, would you want to read about the symbolism, history and nicknames of your club?


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All the Food in Krakow: part 1!

*Disclaimer: I’m no food or travel blogger. But still going to blog about it. Mad INNIT*

Put on your helmets, fasten your seatbelts, prepare to be in a HANGRY state, because I’m blogging about all the food! Well to be honest, not all the food. This is a selection of the delicious things I had in Krakow and I felt I should you lot know. D’ya know what I mean? (Definitely an Oasis reference). I’m all about food to be honest. I’m not an expert, I just like it haha.

I’m on holiday with my friends, right. 8 male figures. No knowledge whatsoever of the cuisine and we just walked into the old city centre with no plan. Absolute anarchy. Outside the restaurants people from the restaurants tried to lure you in and obviously looking like tourists, we were approached within seconds. So one of my friends picked out one to talk with and yes she was gorgeous, I have to admit that. BUT I COULDN’T BELIEVE MY FRIENDS WANTED TO GO TO A RESTAURANT BECAUSE THE WAITRESS WAS GORGEOUS.

To be fair, the restaurant was pretty decent and was very Polish. I have no idea what that means, but since we were in Poland and it looked like something that was typical for that area, I’m going with Polish.
The first things what stands out when receiving the menu card are the prices. It’s in the local currency which makes it look expensive, but it isn’t. €1 = 4,425 Slothi or something like that! So bloody cheap. I wanted to order something from the menu that was typical Polish, so I went with the Pierogi. It wasn’t the typical Pierogi, this one was deepfried and was stuffed with Duckmeat. Oh my jesus, I could go die happy now.

The spareribs are definitely typical Polish, I know that. But oh my days mates, it was so delicious.The meat just fell of the bone and it almost melted in your mouth and I was like: instant heaven. I had that content smuck on my face and I was not mad at it. And look at that desert. Just look at that little slice of heaven right there. Hot apple pie served with Vanilla icecream, whipped cream, chocolate sauce and raspberries. Heaven.
So, breakfast. That was something else to be honest. We went out for breakfast every morning, but at the places we got to, they didn’t serve proper breakfast most of the times. It was the lunch menu or just the dinner menu haha. But still it was all good and I managed to stuff enough food in my face. So who’s winning?

So I know, I know. I’m a savage for ordering a full English in an other country, but I was feeling like it! And to be honest, it was nothing like an English breakfast. It were all local products and prepared locally, so it didn’t taste like English at all. (Bar the beans)

Well Pizza in the morning, don’t have an excuse to be honest. Well at least I have tea right? Always Tea, innit. Tea is life.

Well that’s all folks! No, don’t worry I have a second and third part coming up! Let me know what you think of these kind of blogposts!

Hope you all have a smashing weekend!


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Being a male blogger: the reactions

You guys! (If someone read that in Cartman’s voice, +10) I’ve been blogging for almost 4 months and yesterday I passed 10.000 views! How brutally insane is that? I never thought people would read my blog, let alone actually coming back and liking it. That is such a compliment and I have to admit; I’m a little bit proud of myself too. Considering English isn’t my first language and all that.

With that milestone achieved, I was thinking of the last few months and what blogging in general has brought me. Loads of internetfriends, really good friends. Huger engagement in twitter and instagram. Meeting two bloggers before the end of this year hopefully. I’m even thinking of going to a meet up! I never would have thought that to be honest.

To be honest it’s not all sunshine. I have encountered racism, accused of being a misogynist, being insulted because of my mental health and the thing I wanted to talk about with you today: ‘Blogging is for women’
As I started my blog I only told my sister and it long stayed this way to be honest. I was not embarrassed, not at all. But I knew and now know that my environment is not too keen on male blogging.
My blog is the reflection of my life to be honest. Everything that I think that is important, can be found on this blog. Football, travel, politics, opinion, food and mental health. It’s all there mates.

I took me several weeks to have the courage – yes you read that right- to post my link on social media and promote my blog and posts. At that time most of my twitter followers where people I personally knew in real life and I was scared for their judgement. And I was right.
People started to discus it with others and when I saw my ‘friends’ they said that I was a disappointment. Becoming one of those people they would hate. Those typical youtube-blogging people splashing all over social media, killing the world we live in. It felt like someone stepped on my bare soul.

The blogging community is so supportive. I’ve made great friends, some I will have for the rest of my life. It’s so positive and really feeds into your creative, innovative productivity. It allows you to grow and share with the people who love the same thing. It’s fantastic and I’m forever grateful to all the people who believe in me and my blog.

As positive the reactions are from the blogging community, so negative are the reactions in real life. Let me give you a few examples:
– Are you gay? Because that’s not something real men do
– You are weak mate. Go find a real hobby
– Pff, get a real life.
– People are lying, it’s shit. Give it up
– You can’t write.
– Writing is for books and exams, not for blogs
– No one will read it
– You disgust me
– Talking so much with women? No friend of mine.

These are the milder ones. But it leaves me with a very mixed feeling at the moment. I feel so loved and cared about by the blogging community. People who I haven’t even met. And they are bloody lovely. But on the other hand, people I have known my whole life, are so fucking negative and bitter. I don’t know how to handle this all.

Then you got the third group and I don’t know what to think of them to be honest. People who know of my blog, say it’s good for me to have it. BUT don’t ask about it, not be supportive or anything else. They just let me be and don’t bother with it. I HATE THAT. It creates so much opportunity for me. FAM, I might go to a meet up. I’m going to meet another blogger in Bromley and another one in Newcastle. Life’s smiling upon me despite the anxiety and depression. AND STILL THOSE PEOPLE DON’T CARE. Swear to God, frustrating. INNIT.

Okay I’ve calmed down a bit. Made myself a cuppa. Read some shakespeare. It’s just very frustrating that there’s a stigma. Well at least here in the Netherlands. Male bloggers are persona non grata. I hate that.

I’m a blogger and I’m bloody proud of it.


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Post Krakow Talk

So yeah. I’m back from holiday! I’ve been home for roughly 16 hours as I’m writing this blogpost and I want to share some of my stories. I really had a blast with my friends and I really took in the whole culture of Krakow and Poland. More to come on that in the next weeks, but this is a blogpost about how I felt and how traveling has changed after getting diagnosed.

I was really anxious before I went for several reasons. Obviously I wasn’t feeling good and the fact that the anxieties/depressions were more present, made me feel uncomfortable to say the least. I didn’t know exactly how to act at home or find things that would calm me down, but how would this affect me while being on holiday? I had no idea..

What I did know before hand, was that it was a ladsholiday. Lads. That means intense holidays to be honest. This was in no way a relaxing holiday, because we always are more tired when coming back then leaving haha. This frightened me and left me with bigger anxieties because of several things

My friends are very outgoing and talkative people. They are loud, enthusiastic and very social. And I mean this all in a good way. (they are also very supportive, kind, understanding) But those are things, that I am not, well at least not at this time in life. So I guess actually going out a lot was something what could cause major anxieties and perhaps panic attacks too.

Now that I have dropped the PA bomb (panic attacks), let’s talk some of the precautions I took before going to Krakow, because that’s where I went. There’s the possibility of me getting medication in combination with my psychotherapy, but this isn’t the case right now. The doctor give me a medicine to calm me down when having a panic attack or think that’s going to happen. On a holiday of 4,5 days I’ve taken it 7 times, so yeah 7 times of extrema anxieties and panic.

So I decided to everything with my friends at day and if I felt really anxious, I would take my medication. I would decide after dinner (or Tea) what I would do with the given evening and night. In reality I have felt anxious all my holiday. I have had 1 or 2 panic attacks every day and at night it was too hard for me to go out. At one time I did and I found myself crying at the big square at 2 AM whilst watching the big clock turn minute after minute.

The fact that I didn’t feel well all holiday has put me back to earth. I thought that a holiday would sort me out, but to be honest. I has really made me conscious of my anxiety and depression. It made me realise I’m further off than I had imagined and to be completely honest and frank; it hurts like hell. My friends did all the things they could do – of course, I wouldn’t want it any other way – but I felt lonely. I felt numb. I think I’ve shed tears every night and I don’t know what to with myself. I’m really stuck mates.

There are plenty of positives about my holiday though! Don’t worry about that, loads of material to come on my positive side of the holidays. I just wanted to give you a little update on how I felt on holiday with my mental illness and health.

Hope you are all wel and thank you for taking the time to read this!


Walking in the Shadows

The Sun’s shining
Children playing
Adults chatting
Animals feasting
Yet, I feel like I live in the Shadows.
Walking outside makes me feel different
Not belonging as if lived in another world
It’s a numb feeling I can’t explain
I feel everything and nothing

I worry 24/7
I think about everything, every little detail & specifically what can go wrong
I cry at least once a day, random or about certain things
I don’t go out as I will have panic attacks or
I want to stay in and not leave the comfort of my ‘castle’
I want my bed, duvet and watch netflix/youtube all day
I want to be alone in my world and not face everything out there
I feel numb
I feel down, more down than the lost WC final in ’10 and the lost CL finals from Atletico combined
I feel sad, sad like going to a constant funeral
I want pleasure like I once enjoyed and see with my loved ones
I want to be & feel normal
I want to go out and have fun with the anxieties
I don’t want panic attacks every time I do something anxious
I am insecure about my body, abilities and personality
I am afraid of everything in this world and most of all myself
People don’t like me, the thought that clouds my mind
People  hate me, the thought that feeds the shadow
I’m angry at myself and
I’m frustrated for being not that what I once was
I’m agitated
I’m tired when I go to sleep, even more tired getting up
I avoid social events, for the though of going makes me vomit and cry
Public transport is a bitch, traveling by plane the master of bitchness
I can’t concentrate on work, study and my projects
I’ve got no motivation at all
My muscles are tensed from all the stres
I push people away who love me, try to help me or I am too invested
I am a shadow in a world full of sun
I am stressed
This is me:
I have anxiety and depression
Hope you are all well.