Anxious and angry

*Picture above taken in July 2015, Berlin Olympic Stadium*

It’s Saturday afternoon. I’m sat with my MacBook on my lap, listening to the Gorillaz’s On Melancholy Hill and there’s a roast in the oven. I’ve written 3000 words on my novel. That doesn’t sound to bad now, does it? I can assure you this has been one the most weird, difficult and anxious weeks of 2016. As this blog is not only me talking about fashion, football, music, food and culture, I’m also going to take you on my journey through battling anxiety and depression. So ‘ere it goes mates.

I’m writing this with numbness, not only in my right leg but also a numb feeling all over my body and soul. I feel like I’m the personification of Comfortably Numb, only I don’t feel that comfortable to be completely honest. On top of me feeling sad and anxious all the time, this week some events have led to me feeling even worse.

Racism is such a delicate yet important topic of conversation. It’s so important to keep talking to each other, because the dialogue must be continued in order to reduce the racism in the world. This is how I feel about it and I’ve been preaching it this week. With mixed succes.
I have experienced racism in the past and  I feel like the racism has grown again, because of the nationalism aspect growing in a lot of European countries. Well let me rephrase that, I don’t think it has grown. I think people are more confident being racist in public because of certain political results or populistic movements. So the past weeks I have experienced more nasty things being said to me and more anti-feelings towards me. For one this has added to my anxiety which is higher than ever, but there’s something in general I want to talk about.

First of all racism is not defined as a white individual hating on colored people. Racism is the hate of other races. So black people can be racist too, don’t forget that. I wouldn’t wish this to anyone on this planet, because it is so hurtful.

I want to speak out and I want to do something about it. We are all the same people and there’s absolutely no reason why we should treat each other different because of how we look. I hate that. I’ve been hurt by it. I’ve been rejected, both romantically and professionally because of it. MATE IT’S THE WORST. I hate the division it creates.
But what I also don’t like, well detest, is the fact that black people feel the need to come together in groups and go against the white group. ( I know it sounds like shit how I portray it). I don’t feel like I belong in one group or the other, I’m just Marc and I’m a person. Well, society wants me to fit in, fit in a group or box and it makes me sad that different sides. It really makes me sad that I am obligated to be in a group and that otherwise I will experience insults on my part. Nah, mate wouldn’t recommend.

So as you all know something close to my heart is speaking out for men’s mental health. I’m passionate about it and I want to raise awareness for it. This week I’ve been called a misogynist for speaking out for it. A women’s hater. Me. Well that is bloody fantastic isn’t it?
I mean absolutely no disrespect to women, I love women and have the greatest respect for women. But men with mental health issues often don’t feel comfortable enough to talk about it, because of how society has portrayed them for many years. That’s something I want to change and will do anything in my power to help the change.

It makes it harder to do when people try to get me down. Hate me for what I am, a man. Seriously wtf, I can’t be bothered with this shite. This week it was just too many things to cope with. My anxieties are at a point, so high mate.

It’s so weird and fascinating to feel yourself changing in just a week. For me it has been for the worst, but it’s still very remarkable. I’m accepting of the fact that I’m finding my way and that I haven’t hit rockbottom yet. But to be honest I’m a wreck. Emotional wreck. I’m so angry for what has happened this week, people calling me name and throwing insults. Sad because we live in this world that encourages this behaviour, but most of all: sad.

I feel like I don’t belong. I feel like people hate me. I don’t feel loved. I feel like I push people away and they want to push me away. I overthink every thing I do. Worried all the time about my family, friends, internetfriends. It’s so exhausting.

As I’m writing this with tears in my eyes, I try to be positive and realise that everything will be fine in the end. I’ve made a poem that is my little inspiration as I continue this journey of finding out who I am, where I stand and how to cope with my anxieties and sadness.

I hope you are all well and I hope too it wasn’t too difficult to understand what I was saying. I’m kind of a mess. Hope you have a great weekend friends.


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