Now is the winter of our discontent. Made glorious summer by this sun of York
This is probably one of my most beloved parts of Shakespeare. It gives hope for those struggling that better times will come and gives peace of my mind that everything will have a positive end. One way or another. To be honest this has nothing to do with how I feel at the moment, but I like to think that in the end, I will be okay. I will be fine and I can enjoy life again.
So let’s talk of my current condition and state.
I’ve talked my mental health quite a lot lately and it’s for the first time in a long time that I have absolutely no regrets at all about it. Perhaps my blog looks different, but I’m accepting that how I feel right now and to be honest, that should be enough.
So since I’ve been officially diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) I’ve had the feeling, the anxieties are getting worse and more frequent. I noticed myself changing throughout the months, weeks and even days. It’s quite scary to see yourself change over a short period, at least that’s the way I experience that.
After the diagnose I felt more and more alone. More introvert. More sad. Less happy. Not happy. Unhappy. This was hard, but it was manageable. This is when I started my blog as I way of letting my self heard, writing out my thoughts or passions and just to connect with new people. I must say this has all been great and I’ve met some awesome people. People who will be my friends for a long period, friends I will meet some day and friends that are there or you no matter what. For that I’m so grateful. It’s crazy.
But still my ‘condition’ didn’t go away or faded away, as I had hoped/wished for. I didn’t do anything different or live in a different way, but at this time the sadness didn’t go away. It stayed and it even got worse and worse. I started to be more emotional about my sadness. Leaving me crying in bed at night or in the morning. Not understanding how I felt or why I felt these sad feelings. To be honest it would take and still takes an incredible effort to just start the day. Some days I just want to stay in bed and watch Youtube or Netflix all day. I don’t want to face the world or reality, I’m just going to snuggle with my duvet and pretend the world doesn’t exist for that day.
Now something happened that made me a lot more aware of my ‘illness’. I stopped to function as I normally would and could still do, despite my anxieties. My work and school was suffering from it and I lost something I hold dearly: Inspiration, motivation and creativity. Maybe it’s a bit overconfident to say – Believe I’m not confident at all mates – but I think my motivation and creativity leads to crazy productive days and might inspire others. That was gone and that was/is fucking frustrating. Really frustrating. Not just having a papercut and not able to hold anything – frustrating. No. Proper frustrating.
I have several projects at the moment. Writing 3 books. Men mental health project. Column. Work. other work. Football. Poems. Uni.±85 books to read. All of this stands still because of how my mental health influences me function like a ‘normal’ person. This made me more sad and I guess this has been the defining moment to take this as serious as possible and make a real effort of my battle against anxieties.
I’ve just been buggering on as the days passed. Some days were better than others. Some days I could actually be bothered going outside and step into the world. Other days I was sat in my bed with just my boxer on and demolishing pastries. Life is so full of diversity, isn’t it? At this point I was starting to argue with myself. Being massively angry and so frustrated. Get a grip Marc, wtf is wrong with you? Couldn’t be arsed with this person called myself.
Feeling angry left my body as I noticed something heartbreaking. Broke my heart. I’ve two really big passions in my life: Football and music. I went to a festival and a football match. The results were the same. I ended up in a corner on the ground. Crying my eyes out with my hands in my hair. Wonderland. I made another appointment with my GP and wanted to discuss not only how I had been doing with my anxieties, but also wanted to look further into it all. I’ve been sad since February and it got worse, to the point I didn’t want to leave my bed for some days. Still do.
After a few sessions, tests and consults with several therapist, they came to a conclusion this week: Marc, you are suffering from Depressions as well as Generalised Anxiety Disorder. I literally fell of my chair and started sobbing. I didn’t know why, but it happened. Pff mates.
Okay. I’m diagnosed. Now what? It doesn’t exactly the way I feel I guess. It’s just given a name, that’s all. Well that’s not all actually. I even feel worse. It’s a bit of a downer to be honest and I don’t know if I’m making any sense anymore. I feel like I’m so confused and got mixed emotions and all that.
One step at a time. Tomorrow is another day. Accepting is key. Great motto Marc, but sometimes it doesn’t work that way. I’m going on holiday with my mates and I’m nowhere near excitement at the moment. That’s maybe sad, but I have no idea how it will go and no idea what I’m going to enjoy. Actually thinking of it makes my anxiety grow a lot and I’m really anxious at the moment. Flying. Foreign country. Going out all day. Going out at night. Being a nuisance for my friends. Oh it’s not a positive thing at the moment. I got medication for the trip, before I’m going to start on ‘proper’ medication after combined with therapy. I have absolutely no clue what to expect from myself. I hate that.
“I feel like a man with a fork in a world full of soup”
There will be light at the end of the tunnel. I just can’t see it right now. Right now I’m sad, anxious, afraid, angry, frustrated, tired and depressed. I believe that’s okay to feel like that sometimes. I’m accepting it.
I really hope you know a bit more of how I feel and even more that it made sense. Sorry for the poor structure of sentences or grammar faults, but I think I’ve covered how I feel. I’m trying to write a blogpost on my mental health once a week. How I’m doing, coping and finding solutions for some of my anxieties.
Thank you so much for your support and your kind words