I’m going to begin with my visit to the GP on the 14th of July. I was diagnosed at that time already with GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder), but I went back for a couple of reasons really. The most particular was that I felt more and more sad. I was sad all the time, but it didn’t improve. I felt more tired and felt like it was harder and harder to just function. To be honest, I didn’t really pursue my way to help at this time. I had appointments with my doctor quite casually and despite being diagnosed, I didn’t want to accept what I was going through.
So it took me quite some courage to make an appointment to be honest. Which felt quite weird, because I’m not usually a person that thinks it’s hard to make an appointment at the doctor’s. I’m quite relaxed to be honest, but no this time I wasn’t and I was relieved when I made the appointment.
I wrote down everything I wanted to say how I felt and it was quite clear what I described. Or as the doctor said: ‘Classic, textbook Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Depression.’ Well I thought, now I’m really cooking on gas, aren’t I? She asked me to do some tests to confirm what she thought. Well I scored highest on both the test (GAD & Depression): Severe Anxiety and Severe Depression. Fuck.
She booked me an appointment with the psychologist/therapist within the doctors, to help me. But I was going on holidays 5 days later and then she prescribed me a medicine called Oxazepam. It should help me control my panic attacks, mainly while I was abroad in Poland. So I left the appointment with the diagnose Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Depression, medicine against panic attacks and an appointment with a therapist after my holidays.
Mates, I was frightened. Terrified. Scared. But why? I was simply diagnosed and it was only given a name to be fair. But still this label made things worse. It wasn’t the right time to go on holiday with my friends, but I still did. Consequences were quite obvious: loads of crying, panic attacks and overall sadness. I also had a great time! It wasn’t all doom and gloom, but it made me realise this was some serious matter. And I had to treat it with the highest priority.
On the 26th of July my first appointment with my therapist stood and she told me right away that she couldn’t help me. I was like wait.. WHAT?! What are you on about missy? That were my thoughts, but not what I spoke. She said to me I had to see an external psychologist or psychiatrist. But there was a waiting list for 4-6 months before I could see one. Oh my luck again. But we looked at the options and the one with the shortest waiting list, yeah.. He’s a friend of my parents, so obviously that wouldn’t work. So I’m pretty much stuck for the coming 6 months I thought.
Last Friday (the 5th of august) I had an appointment with her again and we talked about how I felt. She made clear that I could stay with her and talk until I was placed at my psychologist in 4-6 months. To be honest that was a pretty reassuring thing to hear. The last time we had discussed the possibility of medication, but now it became more and more apparent. I was feeling worse. I had the feeling I was digging a bigger and darker hole for myself and she thought the same thing. That’s why she prescribed anti-depressants.
It’s today that I had the first chance to get them and I don’t know how I feel about starting to use them to be honest. I got 15 pills which I have to take daily and then I have to pick up a new package. It’s called Citalopram. I think it’s a good thing, because I can start to make things work. That sounds a bit weird, but at the moment I don’t function. Not as a employee, as a student. But also not as a person. On the other side, I have received so much judgement. For being how I am now, people feeling bad because of my ‘negativity’. Blaming me for it. Ashamed of me. Only because I want to be open about it and it’s tearing me apart from the inside and I’m so tired of everything. I literally I’m so done with it, but I know I am only at the beginning of it all.
I want to keep you updated on how I feel and how the process makes its way. It makes me feel a tad better to write it all out and I think you deserve to know why my blog has been lacking quality.
Thank you for reading,