It wasn’t easy to talk about and the fact that when I talked about it, people really got concerned didn’t help. Not because of their concern and care, but the fact that I hurt my friends. Sometimes I feel like the only reason I’m still living hasn’t to do with me finding life as it is, worth it. But the fact that I would hurt people’s lives, that is the most contributing factor to me still living.
Last week was intense on other fronts too. I had my first week of Uni. A new Uni in Maastricht. A week full of getting used to new faces, new furniture, new classes, new professors and new buildings. A week full of train and bus journeys, panic attacks and sky high anxieties.
I am blessed with a great bunch of online friends, who do support me and help as much as they can. I realise I am extremely lucky and I can’t thank my friends enough for being the friends they have and are. Thank them for putting up with my moaning and my bad English at times. But there’s one thing that has hit me so hard, that it leaves me sad, angry, disappointed, confused and most of all: it scared the living crap out of me.
I had an appointment with my counselor yesterday because of the way I was feeling. I got there and my doctor was there too. It felt like an intervention of sorts. There I was, sitting like a bloody nervous fool. They started talking and to be completely honest, I’ve no idea what they exactly sad. It’s all a blur in my mind, until the moment they said that I had been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
I started crying. Sobbing. My tears seemed to pour down on the ground with great speed. I was so confused and couldn’t understand. Before being diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Depression, I had a feeling it could be that. But now with OCD, I felt this wasn’t something I had. But after going through everything with my doctor and counselor, it was very logical to me.
So here I’m, I have OCD. Checking, touching and intrusive thoughts OCD. I don’t know the proper English translation to the Dutch one, but I think it’s called that. I think it’s extremely confronting for several reasons. I have got three diagnosed mental illnesses and the fact I don’t know much about OCD, frightens me. Really makes me scared. It’s like being kicked and hit when you are down, into the ground. Further and further. I’m scared that these thoughts I had last week, will become more frequent and worse. I’m really scared, feel lonely and I’m stuck. I’m lost.
I don’t know what to do, I’m really lost. I feel like a man with a fork in a world full of soup. How am I going to battle this? It feels so overwhelming. I’m struggling so much, this life isn’t what I want. I really don’t know and I feel like I’m pushing everyone away in my life. I feel my friends are getting bored, annoyed and pissed off. The tears flow as I’m writing this, but I just don’t know…
The only thing I know is that I’m going to read more about OCD. Ask people who suffer from it too. Watch a couple of videos about it. But that’s it. I really don’t know who I am anymore and I have no idea what tomorrow might bring. I want to know more about it before elaborating about it more. At this moment, I’m pretty clueless.
Thank you for reading as always and thank you for the support.