So I haven’t been blogging for a while. Some would debate that first sentence, but for me personally it feels like I’ve been lacking a bit. It frustrates me. I annoys me and I’m really angry with myself for not putting up content.
Obviously I know, I should only put content up when I have content. Not posting content that is rubbish for the sake of posting content, d’ya know what I mean? But the main reason for me ‘lacking’ is that my mental health has really taken a turn for the worse. I guess it’s not changed much since my last posts, but it did really took away my motivation, inspiration and productivity to write. Fam, that is really killing me.
I’m not really sure what this blogpost is meant to be. I’ve been told it can help if you distance yourself from your mental illnesses, in my case Anxiety Disorder, Depression and OCD. So here’s me trying that and trying to write a motivational and inspiring letter. A letter to Pete, my mental illnesses personified:
I’ve met you a good 6 months ago, but still I have this recurring feeling that we have known each other our whole lives. It’s like you were always there with me, especially the bad times. But I must confess, lately I feel like our relationship is getting worse and worse. I feel like you are toxic.
You are selfish and jealous. Making my friends leave, estrange me from my family and you are draining me. It’s as if you have drugged all these years and slowly corrupted not only my mind, but also my soul. Made me like I was worthless, more and more. Made me feel like I didn’t matter in this world, make this world different from others, so I would be scared of anything. Putting these horrible, paining, torturing thoughts and feelings into my head. Feeling as if the world and my life would crumble, piece my piece. Day by day. Year by year. Make me check everything. Make me touch things even ways.
And guess what? You bloody succeeded. You fucked me up. Proper fucked me up. Now I’m taking therapy and counseling. I’m having to take medication. all because of you. I realised it was you all along, but I don’t blame you. It’s just how you are.
Standing on the shoulders of giants they said. Well I’m standing on the shoulders of Hades, the god of the underworld. Everytime I think I’m getting close to earth, to life as it was, you pull me back down a few miles. Leaving me to start all over again. Everytime I feel I’m doing better, you make sure I’m doing the worst I ever felt.
It’s exhausting and sometimes it leaves me to give up. Give up on life. I try so hard to get rid of you, but you are still here. You always be here. It would be awesome to cut me some slack, just take a holiday, find someone else to bother. But I know this isn’t true, I know you are here to stay.
Recently you put the thoughts of darkness, death and sorrow into my mind. Forcing me to isolate myself from my loved ones. I’ve had enough and I pledge to destroy you. It will be a fight, every day. A hard one. Fist to fist. I will certainly lose many battles, but in the end I will win the war. I have love to give to everyone, you have only hate. My smile will come above and corrupt your hating soul.