Mental Illnesses are a bloody pain the arse. They restrict my life and make it so difficult to function. I’m done with it, proper done with it. And I will tell you why. I got tears. Tears from anger, sadness and joy. I have no idea what the fuck is going on and it frightens me like hell. Please bear with me.
My depression is like fucking me up and that’s why I want to talk to you about it. Because I have noticed how ignorant people can react and it’s hurtful. I hope I can clear some things up and educate you a bit. Having a mental illness is not something that is ‘fashion’ or awesome to have. It fucks your life up. It prevents you from living the life you want and it takes so much away from you.
As I’m writing this I’m still curled up in bed, feeling sad, crying and lost sense of reality. It’s physically impossible to get out of bed and it feels like the world, my world is covered with only clouds. There’s no sky, no sun, only clouds. Dark clouds.
It’s been a rollercoaster ride these past few months. Being diagnosed with several mental illnesses took its toll and has left my with despair, sadness, anger, mixed feelings and restlessness. Every time I feel things are getting better, they tend to become even worse. I hate this. I really detest this and I ask myself the question: Why can’t I be normal?
People say: “You have a fantastic girlfriend, great group of friends and family. You have amazing things in life happening. You are smiling all the time. There’s absolutely no reason for you to feel that way.” That’s the point. There is no reason, but still I feel like this. It’s very frustrating to be honest. What really bugs me is the fact that people say that I don’t suffer from mental illnesses, because I don’t look like that. That’s painful to hear, because from the inside I’m walking on broken glass. I’m struggling to stay above the water, whilst something is pulling me down.
I genuinely like to laugh, but that doesn’t mean I don’t suffer from depression. It doesn’t mean I don’t cry a lot. It doesn’t mean I don’t struggle with myself every day. Yes, I make jokes a lot. It’s not because I’m the funniest lad around. No. It’s because I want to make people laugh and smile, because I know what it’s to feel depressed every single day. And that, no one deserves.
I want you all to know, it’s nobody’s fault that I feel like this. Nobody is underachieving or not doing things right. It’s me. I love my girlfriend, friends and family with all my heart. They are the real MVP’s and keep me going every day. They give my life meaning, where my depression tries to fight that. No, the real problem is me. Correction: my brain. It fucks me up and it is a chemical unbalance that makes me the way I’m now.
Last monday something happened at uni, that has made my situation only more sad. I don’t even know if my words come out correctly at this stage, but yeah whatever right? The things was that people were saying things about foreigners and coloured people a lot. With passion and such hate, kept attacking me. I felt and feel inferior. I don’t know what to do or how to act, because I’m scared I will be seen as a inferior human. It’s is really shit right now.
This is why I’m doubting of telling people about my mental illnesses. They attack me more because of it and I don’t what to do. I’m genuinely lost. It’s the support and love from my girlfriend that keeps going and not giving up on anything, but I must admit; it’s bloody hard.
I realise that the weather is changing and I guess I’m a bit ‘under the weather’, so to speak. But I’m struggling and it is causing me difficulties in maintaining the relationship with my friends. I don’t see them as much as I used to do and I’m so scared of losing them in the end.
I know everything will be fine in the end. That there’s light at the end of the tunnel, I just can’t see it yet.