As I sit here I don’t know what I am, what I want and what I want. I’m scrolling down twitter, using my fingers, but it feels as if the fingers are not my own. The feeling of not knowing what you are doing, frustrates and irritates me. I feel so disconnected with my body and mind, let alone the world where we live in. I have a headache of an empty feeling and all I want to do is hide. Hide from the world and everything in it.
Everything feels so heavy, so hard. Every fiber of my being is dipped in the pool of depression and the fabric of the world is heavy. But only on me. People seem to have no trouble whatsoever living life. But I feel like I have run the bloody marathon, gave birth to an army of elephants and are going to an everlasting funeral. The amount of time it takes me to type this little blogpost is unbelievable and it makes me incredibly sad.
I have been staring 5 minutes and nothing has come up in my mind. I feel fucking sick and lost. I’m stuck in this world of sadness and there’s absolutely no reason for me to feel sad. My life is good and I’ve nothing to complain, but still this beast, this devil, this arch-nemesis creeps up and fucks my mind up, to the point I don’t know what to do or think.
My depression is like totalitarianism. Every fiber of my being is depressed. Not only the way I act, but also the way I think is influenced by this black dog of mine as Winston Churchill put it. On days like these I’m lost and I have lost the battle. I feel shit.
I have let tears, cried and sobbed. I react strongly to comments of people. The slightest discussion can set me off and I’m still crying over what has happened a few hours back. As the tears drop onto the keys of my laptop, I don’t know what to anymore. I’m stuck.
I really hate feeling like this as if life has no purpose. I hate feeling like I deserve no respect, no appreciation, no love, no happy life. Depression is a real tosser.