So the last few days I have been posting a lot of blog posts as it is Blogmas. I was just looking at the blogposts and I saw that most of those posts are rather positive. I wanted to it to be so, but I also want to be honest with you guys. Today I am getting rid of my original blogmas post of today and give you a little update of how I feel.
I am not sure where to start, as this is a very difficult post for me to even think about. I am just going to say the things that are on my mind right now. Over the last months I have been able to CONNECT with fantastic people, especially people I have met through the TalkMH twitter chat every thursday. However the December has proven to be very tough for me personally and has lead to this point where I am very insecure about those friendships.
A few people in my ‘real life’ have left me, because of either my mental health or that they have kind of used me as a steppingstone. This has made me sad, but also very scared that people online will leave me as well. I know that December is a difficult and very busy month, that people have stuff of their own. And people keep reassuring me there is nothing wrong, but I can’t shake this feeling that people dislike or even hate me. To be honest, it is killing me inside.
I think it is my anxiety and depression talking, putting lies into my head. But i don’t know for sure and oh boy, even when i am writing this, i feel so scared and low. Why does this happen to me? Amd i know that this mood of mine, constantly needing the reassurance does annoy people. For anyone who reads this, i am sorry and I know i am pushing you away by being so paranoid. I am so sorry.
I think the worst thing that has come into my head, is the fact that I start to believe more and more that people thibk I am shit. This makes me doubt about coming to the TalkMH meet in April, because you are all so lovely and I don’t want to ruin anything for anyone by being thay person no one wants there. I hate my brain.
I just needed to let this out, I am so sorry to everyone who thinks I am a bad friend and I completely understand when you don’t want to be friends anymore. I just feel so shit and I don’t know what to do..I feel ao lonely.