2017 is my year. This little sentence I’ve seen over a thousand times already in the last few days, but there’s some truth to it I suppose. For me it will hold no goals, I don’t do long time goals. But for me this is the year that I get more clarity about my mental illnesses and start to work on it. I begin my therapy in a couple of weeks, but I know the road will not be easy. Not easy at all.
2016 was the year where I got help for my mental health issues. It was the year that I made the choice to ignore what everyone was saying and to look for help, so I did. I was diagnosed with different mental illnesses: Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Severe Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and just before the year ended with Bipolar Disorder.
Now November and December were very difficult for me as I struggled with many relations I got. The festive season did effect me, the two jobs I have and University. Nothing short of miracle I managed to get out it not completely burnt out, but it did definitely made my mental health worse and worse. I’m pretty sure it is the sum of different (un)related factors, but the thing that remains is that I’m feeling low, very low.
I’m well aware of the new year and that everyone wants to start it as positive as possible, I think that is great. But for me the new year is about recovery and surviving, I have no illusions. It’s going very tough and I know I have to make some tough decisions on both personal and professional aspect of life, that kind of frightens me. These things have to happen and in the end it will benefit my health, but that doesn’t make them less hard to make.
Accepting is one of the keys to recovery, without it it’s bloody impossible. It’s also one of the most difficult things to do in my experience. I had difficulties with the accepting. I often questioned my mental illnesses or diagnoses: Why me? Why now? Am I overreacting? Am I the only one? I hate this so much. After I accepted Anxiety, Depression was diagnosed. Then OCD came and after that I finally thought I had accepted the illnesses. I thought I was good to go into the new year, slaying and smashing it.
But time proved different, pals. Come November, the stress came. I was kind of doing nothing at University, work was very busy and I had the feeling I couldn’t handle it all. Let alone relationships with family, friends and girlfriend. I started to feel disconnected. I started to feel like my mind and body didn’t work together so well and when the stress started to become bigger, something very strange happened. I had episodes of desensitization, a very scary thing to be honest. During these episodes I feel dizzy and disconnected from this world. I see, hear and observe things from a different perspective. As if life was a film and I was looking at it, not taking part. It’s like being Harry Potter putting his head in the pensieve, seeing everything but not taking part. It’s really scare and as the month December came, I started to experience this more often. Which made me incredibly anxious, scared and low.
I started to question my diagnose of depression. I wasn’t discarding it as untrue, not at all. But I felt like my depression was a bit different. The majority of the time I was feeling very low, but I had these days were my depression seemed gone and I felt like I could take over the world. Those were and are days where I’m productive as hell and I have no idea how that is possible. The other days I just felt like utter shit and I was happy enough to just have the energy to eat to be completely honest. I went to my doctor and psychiatrist, they initially were hesitant to look further into it, but they both agreed to do it.
They both diagnosed me with Bipolar I Disorder and it devastated me. I’m still devastated and why? I have no clue to be honest. I’m not ashamed for having mental illnesses, not at all. But this diagnose does frighten me to death. I’m scared. I know this partly because I don’t know much about it and I’m not really educated on it, but it’s also about how I will be perceived. What will people think of me? What does this mean for my relationships and work? What about uni? It’s very scary and since I heard that diagnose, I’m really lost, stuck and sad.
I’m currently trying to educate myself more and I know a few things, but I’m not confident about talking on the in’s and out’s at the moment. I will definitely talk about this later on.
2017 is now and I’m starting therapy in the coming weeks, I hope. It’s the year of the beginning of my real recovery and I’m realistic, this is no time for ease and comfort. This is the time to endure. I’m going to survive 2017, just like I do with everything. It’s time make the decision for me and that’s very hard. I’ve always been a person who stands out to help others, I want people to know that they can trust me and rely on me. But I must realise I can only do that, if I take care of myself. It’s time to make the decision for me.
I’ll always be there for my friends. I will always let them know how much I care and love them. Always. But sometimes I need to take a step back in order to help myself, because fam it’s so hard at the moment. I’m not myself, not at all and I don’t know what tomorrow might bring. How I will feel tomorrow or what I’m going to do.
It’s not the easiest thing I’ve written about, so bear with me. I’m trying to describe my feeling as accurate as possible, but it’s so hard. Writing this left me in tears and I feel so sad, but it’s good to get it out there.
I’m bipolar. Thank you for reading as always