I’ve thought long and hard whether I should write this post, but I feel like I should do this for my own sake. Sometimes it feels good to put your thoughts out there, do you know what I mean? I really want to talk about my bad days or demon days, as I like to call them.
I don’t talk about mental health like I used to do. This has two particular reasons. First of all it made me feel unhappy talking about it all the time, because I tended to being usurped in this negative spiral and that was what I was trying to avoid in the first place. The second reason is the fact that my thoughts were conceived as very negative, and people regarded my views as being complaining at life and people in it. I’ve never wanted to do more than expressing my emotions, but for some it’s apparently only allowed to do it when it’s positive. That’s why I haven’t spoken on my mental health a lot in the last few months.
I’ve tried to be positive on my blog and social media regarding my mental health. I thought that if I spoke about my bad days, it would be negative, but that isn’t the case I think. There are days where you feel inspired, positive and dedicated. Ready to slay life. Also, days where you practice self care are important, but by suppressing talking about my demon days, I felt quite weird to be honest and I want to talk about my demon days for a bit.
In these demon days
It’s so cold inside
So hard for a good soul to survive
You can’t even trust the air you breathe
Because mother earth wants us all to leave
When lies become reality
You numb yourself with drugs and T.V.
I’ve called them demon days, because I was listening to the song Demon Days by the Gorillaz and I had a proper think about it. Demon days for me, are the days where I feel like shit. Where I feel not okay. Where I bawl my eyes out and feel like I can’t confront the world in its full extent. It are the days where I think that I’m not worthy of love and that I’m not enough for my loved ones. This is the reality of living with some form of mental illnesses and that’s okay. I’ve come to realise that these days are part of my existence and they have to be endured. Like Sir Winston Churchill once said: “This is no time for ease and comfort. It is time to dare and endure.”
Hard days. Excruciating, painful and depressive days. I’ve suppressed them all my life I think and even after being diagnosed with several illnesses, I kept suppressing them. I still do. I look around me and see everyone being productive. Feeling the way I do makes me feel like I’m a failure and not contributing to contemporary society. I know this is a rather messed up view of me. I’m working on it though through therapy and counseling, but it’s a work in progress. Rome wasn’t build in one day and all that. But there’s one thing I do better than I did in the past, and that’s communicating. Communication is vital in life and this is no other when it comes to dealing with your demon days. Not only can you tell people the way you are feeling, but a heads up for those people is important as well. You are not the only important one in any type of relationship. You are always in it together. It’s about making an effort in being more transparant and not surprising another. My demon days are still there, but it’s more clear what I need from others and what they can ask of me. So that’s progress right?
But what I’m really trying to say is that self-care days are really important to have, but it’s also equally important to acknowledge your demon days. It’s like chips and ketchup, they are complementary. One can’t exist without the other and I’ve been wrong about that for quite some time. Coming to the realisation that acknowledgement is important as well, freed me of some kind of unexplainable burden. I can hear you thinking: “Demon days, really Marc? Isn’t that a bit extreme?” Mental health is no laughing matter, it’s really serious. It can feel like some demon is inside your head during those days and it’s absolute horrible. But I’ve also experienced it before and always come through. There’s always something positive to find and to fight for. I find inspiration is so many things and Gorillaz also mentioned that in their song demon days:
So pick yourself up, it’s a brand new day
So turn yourself round
Don’t burn yourself, turn yourself
Turn yourself around
To the sun!
Writing those words felt extremely good, but I’m not suggesting that accepting your own condition or mood, will automatically change your life. Not at all. I’ve come to terms with it and started accept it. It won’t change anything right now, but in the long it might make it easier for me. And those demon days? They are part of me. They might define me a bit, but it’s one of many, many things. I embrace them. I would like to conclude with some words of my favourite poet Dylan Thomas: ““I hold a beast, an angel and a madman in me.” And I’m okay with that.
Photo by Dalindcy
Blog: Books and Rants