2019 has started an although I don’t like to set goals or have specific intentions because of the new year, I do feel that in the coming 10 to 12 months I want to get somewhere with my life. I realise that this is quite vague, but hear me out. I want to improve my lifestyle and with it comes the attention to my mental health. Mental health is just as important as ‘normal’ health, but there’s one thing I particularly find important about my mental health and that’s turning to the next chapter regarding my depression. A better chapter.
The day that I’m writing, is a day full of different thoughts. I was listening to a podcast about the difference between a burn-out and having depression. This is not a post where I talk about, although it’s quite interesting. But it did give me another idea about how I talk and write about my mental health. I want to talk how my depression manifests itself right now and I want to get a better understanding of it in the next year.
Depression is a mood disorder and if you want to read more about what it is, I suggest you check out this by Mind UK or check out this video on depression. What I want to talk about is the feeling that it gives me on a regular basis. The following feelings are the feelings I had when I wrote them down 2,5 years ago:
- This morning I woke up feeling like a worthless pile of shit – if you ever encounter a pile of shit of worth, you will thank me – and I feel so incredibly low, sad and empty. I feel like the sentiment of the song Comfortably Numb, without feeling comfortabel.
- I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling this sad. I’m tired of feeling worthless. I’m tired of feeling as if life is shit. I’m tired of this feeling that I want to cry all the time. I’m tired of not wanting to face the world. I’m so done with this depression and I just want to feel ‘me’ again.
- I don’t know what I am, who I am and what I want. I’m scrolling down twitter, using my fingers, but it feels as if the fingers are not my own. The feeling of not knowing what you are doing, frustrates and irritates me. I feel disconnected with my body and mind, let alone the world where we live in. I have a headache of an empty feeling and all I want to do is hide. Hide from the world and everything in it.
- Everything feels so heavy, so hard. Every fiber of my being is dipped in the pool of depression and the fabric of the world is heavy. But only on me. People seem to have no trouble whatsoever living life. But I feel like I have run the bloody marathon, gave birth to an army of elephants and are going to an everlasting funeral.
- I have been staring 5 minutes and nothing has come up in my mind. I feel sick and lost. I’m stuck in this world of sadness and there’s absolutely no reason for me to feel sad. My life is good and I’ve nothing to complain, but still this beast, this devil, this arch-nemesis creeps up and fucks my mind up, to the point I don’t know what to do or think.
- My depression is like totalitarianism. Every fiber of my being is depressed. Not only the way I act, but also the way I think is influenced by this black dog of mine as Winston Churchill put it. On days like these I’m lost and I have lost the battle.
- I have let tears, cried and sobbed. I react strongly to comments of people. The slightest discussion can set me off and I’m still crying over what has happened a few hours back. I’m stuck.
- I really hate feeling like this as if life has no purpose. I hate feeling like I deserve no respect, no appreciation, no love, no happy life.
When I read this back I can only conclude that I was really pissed off at the fact that I had to deal with depression. I felt it was unfair and I didn’t deserve it in some kind of way. I’m not as angry right now with depression, because it’s there and won’t go away, so I learnt to accept it in some kind of way. It’s part of me in some ways.
What I don’t like
I might have evolved into a less angry human regarding my depression, but the feelings are still there. It’s a kind of void that is quite hard to grasp or to escape. While I’m not this angry anymore, I still feel captured and caged by depression. It’s all-consuming and affects me greatly, so much that sometimes I can’t really do the things I want. And if there’s one thing I hate, it’s something affecting my productivity. I can accept that I have depression and that I have to live with it, but I don’t like that it’s so consuming and that I’m so affected by it. Every time I get a serious bout of depression, I’m so disconnected.
Where I want to go
2019 for me is the year where I ideally will fix this disconnected feeling. Fixing might not be the best word, but what I mean is that whenever I feel depression getting up, I know what to do in order to maintain functioning. This is not the really the case right now, because I get so surprised all the time that I’m not sure what to do and how deal with it. That’s my aim for this coming year: creating the tools to help me deal with the bouts of depression.
It’s good to reflect on your life once in a while. I do this a lot – maybe a bit too much – and it can really help create a perspective. Right now I know that I’ve overcome quite a lot in the past 2 or 3 years and that is really positive. I’m proud of myself, but I also know that I’m not there yet. In the coming months I want to get a grip on the different bouts of depression I am sure I will experience. I’ve accepted that I’ll feel sad from time to time, now I need to find some structure in it so I won’t feel overwhelmed and surprised by it.