Okay, I know. It’s almost 2018 and I’m writing 2017 New Year’s Resolutions. I’m not sorry, at all. I’m not the person to write Resolutions, let alone try to achieve them. I see so many goals and resolutions, the one more ambitious than the other. It’s not my style, so let’s have a laugh with my alternative resolutions, easy to achieve and all good fun. Right?
1. Call someone a scruffy cunt
I’m not going to lie, but I’m obsessed with British insults and swearing. I believe I heard this particular insult in Trainspotting – FYI 12 days till Trainspotting 2 – and I just want to use it. I never get in the situation that I can call someone a scruffy cunt without people getting mad. So good first resolutions, me thinks.
2. Eat an average of three doughnuts a week
Like my main man Homer Simpson said; In doughnuts we trust. No truer words have ever been spoken. I think we all need more powdered sugar in our diets. Makes us feel human, d’ya know what I mean?
3. Get my Liam Gallagher on
Don’t give a single fuck. Well that isn’t easy, but sometimes I just need to stop being so lovely all the time and stand my ground. Be confident and cocky, I’m fly as fuck.
4. Bingewatching 2.0
I don’t care what life throws at me. Work, Uni or otherwise. I shall and must bingewatch all the series fam.
5. Buy more football shirt and scarves
“You already got so much stuff, how about selling some?” – Erm, how about NO? I want to expand my collection this year and I will most definitely not sell anything.
6. Tweet more ridiculous shit
A man said, stuff you tweet must be relevant. I don’t share that view. I’m going to tweet about the weird, quirky things that go round in my head. I’ll make jokes only I can laugh about it. I will reply with stupid comments, because that’s what I do. Embrace it.
7. Lobby for the incarceration of anyone who likes pinapple on pizza
I will definitely get in to debates and discussions about this one. But I don’t care, pizza is life WITHOUT pineapple. Are you mad, bruv? Fruits don’t go on pizza.
8. Say fuck you to everyone who questions why I don’t drink
I’m getting mad. I don’t drink, that’s okay. Stop questioning why I don’t drink. I just don’t fancy it. So everyone who questions it will get the V, for fuck sake.
9. I will be growing my insta
It’s going to be lit this year. I won’t have a team and I will grow my insta. No other option. I won’t fail. I don’t care what people say – okay I will, but that is not cool to say
10. Meet my UK peeps and.. smash all the food
Like yeah, I get it fam. Hugs and love and all that. But most importantly food. I want pizza, pies, meat, Nando’s, Wagamama. The lot. All the food. Share this goodness with y’al
So, what are your bloody awesome alternative goals for 2017?